Let's be clear about this

I love ambiguity. Or do I?

Ah, see, what fun it is. Actually, I do love it in a communications sense, because I like to find out what’s gone wrong and put it right.

Take this sign for instance, which I recently spotted in a toilet at a company. The different ways you can read that are glorious, does it mean

-          Oi, no drinking the water out of those toilets, alright?
-          Do not bring water in here and drink it, ok?
-          In case you were unsure, the water in the toilet bowl is not for drinking
-          You can’t drink the water from the taps in this toilet

Now, I’m guessing it’s the last one (although the first one might apply to some places I’ve worked) but that’s the beauty of the sign, you can choose to read it wrongly because it gives you the option. It’s not specific enough. Toilets mean the physical implements as well as the room where those things are housed. Water is in the taps as well as in the toilets (physical implements).

One of my other favourites is ‘fine-tooth comb’. A simple enough phrase, but the amount of times that people have called it a fine tooth-comb is remarkable. And the difference is wonderful – one being a grooming device featuring narrow gaps between the prongs or teeth, the other is a really impressive tool for ensuring teeth are – erm - combed

Of course, this is a relatively frivolous example, but removing ambiguity is something that you strive for in communications. Get it wrong when it’s about something really important, such as somone’s pay, job prospects, gender (how many Sam’s have you dealt with on email and have NO idea if they are male or female?) and it can be a real problem.

So let’s try it across everything, no matter how frivolous or petty that might seem, because one day it will really matter.

A gift to agencies

Comms agencies - I bring you the gift of wisdom. Really, I do.

I'm a charitable type,  I sponsored a rescue dog for three years, not that it rescued anyone in that time, although I might have misread the terms of the sponsorship.

But right now, I'm going to donate a gift to those many communications agencies that ring me up, email me, approach me on linked.in, or hide in the bushes near my house and fire business cards with catapults at me. Think of me as a kind of corporate pick-up artist giving out advice. No. Don't actually. That's a terrible simile.

See - I need comms help sometimes.And you need business. So let's talk.

There are some really good ways to turn off prospective clients, and here are just a few things I recommend you  stop doing if you'd like to work with me, or those like me:

In general...treat me like I'm stupid
Example number one. Phonecall. "Hi Tim. I'm Berty Buffin from Aqua Beachball. I've got some information on some cloud hosted algorithim plug-ins for email deployments that we'd really like to talk to you about."

Woah. Back up there. I'm relatively up to date with technology, but you're making as much sense to me as The Matrix Reloaded. Do what we do as communicators, explain it quickly and simply and how it makes a difference to me. As they say, if you can't explain it simply in a sentence then you probably don't understand it yourself. Fill me with confidence, not suspicion that you don't know what you're on about.

On the phone...leave a message
I do have voicemail on my work phone, have done since, ooh,1997. So if you ring, leave a message. Don't just ring and ring and ring and never say anything, that's just stalking. If you leave a message, I can get back to you. And if you do insist on never leaving a message please bear in mind my phone shows the number of who rang. All I need now is a series of computers, connected to some sort of 'web', and a programme that can access this 'web' to search for that number, so I can find out who is ringing me all the time. Once someone invents that, you're in real trouble, as I'll know who you are.

When networking...look at what I do
If you are as paranoid as me, you'll always notice when someone has viewed your linked.in profile. It's a joy of modern life. I genuinely once got a notification that said "Your profile was viewed by someone from the Mental Health industry in the Ukraine." But if you're looking me up, see what I do and genuinely think if I'd be interested.

And then target your request a little "Hi Tim, I'd like to connect as we do a lot of internal comms work and would be good to showcase some of our work" is preferable to a "Harry Bondivitch (Founder/CEO/Lord of Purple Ampersand) wants to connect to you". In communications, more than any other area, you have to make that first impression stick, because if you can't connect with me then you aren't the right person for the job.

Via email...don't cut and paste
"Dear TIM, I hope you don't mind this email out of the blue, but here at Buff Banana we'd like to talk to you about a new comms service. Working as you do in the RETAIL industry." Ok, I'm paraphrasing but there are a few companies who genuinely send me cut and pasted emails. Some of them, my details are in a different colour. One company wrote them in a different font, throughout the email. And one other company, who if they do it again I will name, have sent me the same 'personal email' three times in two years.

And finally...be original, we've spotted the whole colour & noun thing
If you're going to give your agency a name, try something other than colour & noun. I don't know my Black Yams from my Pink Whistle. Maybe it's just me, but give yourself a name that really stands out and you've probably done half the job already.

Anyway, there you go.

I hope you found that useful INSERT WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS HERE.

Serving notice on the POLITE NOTICE

The world is a horrible place at times, war, famine, ITV2, but I find immense delight in the simple use of words on signs. Well, the misuse of them at times.

I was recently at an exhibition and we were asked to join in by giving our feedback. I knew this from the sign that said "OFFICAL FEEDBACK ZONE". So my first bit of feedback was "You've spelt OFFICIAL wrong".

A particular 'delight' are those signs, usually at places of work, that begin "THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE" before going on to lecture you about something.

First of all, the phrase "THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE" rarely makes me think that is polite. If you're having to tell me it's polite, frankly, I don't believe you. In fact, just be polite in the first place. It's as deceptive as starting a conversation with "I'm not racist...but" or someone saying to you "I'm going to show you the funniest thing ever" before showing you an episode of Mrs Brown's Boys. 

If you have to qualify it before you say it, think about what you are about to say. Then, probably, don't say it in that way. Or in CAPS. Or laminated, it's like you want people to spit on it or something.

And you don't need to say it's a NOTICE. I kind of got that from the way it was some words on laminated card on the wall. I didn't look at it and think "Ooh, what's that? Is it a kumquat?". Unlikely to be the case in the gents toilets.

In the office I work in we also have printers with little screens on that use lovely words. When I've finished printing it says "Goodbye...Print safely."

I can't help but reading that in a threatening manner. I think it's the dots, like it's saying "Be careful eh? You never know what could happen do you.... Watch it sunshine." It's like a Lexmark Reggie Kray. Also, I only really know how to "Print safely", it's rare I try printing standing in a bucket of water with a dangerously wired toaster in my hands or do A3 copies whilst poking a crocodile in the nipples.

Well, not since I was sacked from that zoo.

Either reply to all or none, alright?

There are 101 things that wind you up about working life. The fact that it always seems to '101 things' for starters, unless it's an issue with dalamations - in which case, that's just fine.

Today's topic/gripe/reason to go crazy with an axe at work is something I've coined 'The Reply to All Withdrawal Trick'. It's one of those comms things that really needs evangelizing, so please feel free to spread the word if this has ever happened to you:

1.You get an email of complaint along these lines

To:Tim Colman
From: Alan Idiot
cc: The Head of Your Department, The Head of His Department, Some other person in authority, A few others for good measure
Subject: You've messed up,haven't you?

Tim,

Last week I asked you to do some comms stuff for me. You didn't. As a result eight of my team died and I lost £500,000k.

Can you explain what the hell has gone on and why this is over a week late?

Alan


2.You respond like this

To:Alan Idiot
From: Tim Colman
cc: The Head of Your Department, The Head of His Department, Some other person in authority, A few others for good measure
Subject: RE: You've messed up,haven't you?
Attachment: Comms work for Alan email (dated last week)


Alan,

Not sure what you mean. I sent you that stuff about 20 minutes after you asked for it. I've attached the email for reference. Hope that clears that up. Sorry to hear about the deaths/cash.

Tim

3.And here comes the sting, with his reply

To:Tim Colman
From: Alan Idiot

Subject: RE: You've messed up,haven't you?

Tim,

Ah yes, my bad. Must have been something else that cause all those problems. Sorry I missed that.

Alan.


------------------------------------------------------------------

Spot the issue? It might look like a civil response, but look what he did. HE REMOVED EVERYONE FROM THE CC FIELD. Yes, he was very happy to include everyone he thought might want to know that I was an idiot, but when he turned out to be in the wrong his apology didn't go to them did it? Ooh no. Did they fall off in the wind? I don't think so, unless you're using some sort of 'Carry On' style email program.

As you might guess, this winds me up no end. Why? Because it's just poor manners. It's the equivalent of walking into a restaurant you've never been in, yelling "THE FOOD HERE IS DREADFUL", before being given the best meal of your life and then whispering your appreciation to the waiter. And I've never done that, and I've been to some pretty nice Nando's in my time.

I've taken to adding an extra email to the chain now, I often write back to the chap and stick all those cc'd names back in with a message along the lines of "No problem Alan. FAO everyone else, Alan did apologise." But, really, do I need to be doing that?

So please, help out, I don't need you to sponsor my mid-life crisis desire to do complex sporting events, I'm not asking you to (effectively) pay for me to jump out of a plane in the name of charity, I just ask that the next time you face 'The Reply to All Withdrawal Trick' you let the culprit know that you spotted them and they aren't getting away with it.

And if you want, cc me in too.

Being brave

I’m an awful electrician. Seriously, don’t let me anywhere near your wiring – I know nothing about it. You’ll end up with no power to your TV, a possible electrical fire in the kitchen, and my hair will perm up like I’m Kevin Keegan in the early 1980s.

Of course, I don’t pretend to be an electrician, I’ve not had business cards printed or come up with a memorable name (If I did I would be called I.M.A.Leccyman). But when it comes to my own profession, I often face just that problem – people who think they can do my job, but really can’t.

You know what it’s like. You spend an hour crafting a message, keeping it tight, focused, positive, and appropriate for the audience. It just needs sign off from the appropriate person in your business. So you send it to that person.

The next thing you see is a zombie version of your work heading back. It’s now lurching towards the reader in overlong sentences, slurring and screaming inappropriately hostile language, random apostrophes and commas hanging out like entrails.

For some senior managers, admitting that communications isn’t their thing would be a statement of failure. No-one ever wrote on their high-powered CV “I’m an expert in strategy, delivery and business planning – but I really have no clue about communicating, not one iota. In fact – I don’t even know what an iota is”.

The role of communications is something I’m passionate about, and not just because it pays the mortgage. Recognising that getting communications right, every time, is the key to helping organisations work better, is the mark of a great business. The best companies I’ve worked for have been the ones that understand that and use you as an expert, in the same way they would call in an expert on finance, HR or property if the need arose in those areas.

So, if you’re a communicator, believe in yourself and don’t be railroaded because someone is bigger, older, or claims to know better. With some people you can tell them straight, and they appreciate the feedback. I was in my early twenties when the Chief Executive of our FTSE 100 Company asked if a bit of filming we had done was any good. Frankly it wasn’t, so I told him: “It was alright, but I think we can get you better.” He listened, and we got something much, much better. It was scary, but not as scary as making him look bad on camera.

So be brave. Be better than just 'alright'. You might even surprise yourself.

Oh, and if you know a good electrician too that would be great, as I can’t get the lights back on in my house after trying to change a light bulb last week.

Playing the percentages

I love social media, I really do. Once you get past the lunacy, and the swearing, and the woeful spelling, and the ignorance, and the general awfulness.

Actually, it's great because of those things, because social media really does help in one of the most important communications activities - identifying who the idiots are so you can avoid them. Honestly, it's brilliant. You find out who the racists are, the fascists, the people who think that Keith Lemon is real, the people who think Keith Lemon is funny, it's an essential tool.

Twitter's quite good, because people keep things short and, by it's very nature, you are forced to make massively quick judgements too. But the mentalists do it so brilliantly, that I'm often only 54 characters in before I know this is someone I should never, ever speak with.

Facebook is a little harder, because people tend to have more time and space to put their views on or share some thoughts. It takes a bit more reading, but it does give you a more rounded view quite quickly. It's the blind date to Twitter's speed dating. And, as with dating, the length is important - nothing quite like a massive rant or post to make you understand just who you are dealing with. A basic rule - if you have scroll, it probably isn't worth reading (either that, or your screen resolution is way out of sync).

Even good old LinkedIn has a few extra functions, such as seeing the job titles of the people who have been looking at you. Favourites have included (there are verbatim) "Currently hav no job", "Comuniccations Expert" and my absolute favourite "A member of the Mental Health Community in the Ukraine." Although, I really need to know about that last one if I'm being honest.

Yes, all these tools help to identify the people I don't want to communicate with. Now, that might seem a little grumpy, but it's all about priorities. Because, by identifying the people you don't want to interact with, you can focus on the ones that really do deserve your time.

Years ago a friend and I came up with a theory called the 98% rule. It goes like this:

Of all the people you meet, only around 2% are worth bothering about. The other 98% aren't.

That might seem a rather cynical viewpoint, but I urge you to think about it in a positive way. There’s so many people out there who can’t wait to argue with you, punch you, stab you in the back, nick your spare change, kick you in the unmentionables – there’s so many of them that you should just accept it. Accept that 98% of the people in the world are simply not worth getting upset over. Most people will let you down – get used to it and minimise those people from your life.

Instead, focus on those 2%, the ones that make you laugh, lend you a pair of trousers, cover for you, remember that you like cola bottles, read your work and generally make your life a bit better. If you focus on them more you can get so much more out of life, I guarantee you. Those are the ones to connect with, to share ideas, to listen to. There's so much nonsense out there, why not cut through and listen to the people who really matter to you.

And use social media to do it. Go to your social network page now and look through those ‘friends’ who just wanted to be added for no real reason – and get rid of them, your life won’t be any worse.

Then start focusing on the 2% that matter to you, see what it does for you, and let me know how you get on. Or don't let me know, delete me, stop reading these posts, I really don't hold it against you and I won't take up any more of your time.

Unless of course I make it really big in the Ukrainian Mental Healthcare industry, then I'll be back to lord it up to everyone.

Hey, it's a brand new blog...I've never seen one of these before

Blimey, you must be keen.

Thanks for stumbling across the first post on We are all made of comms. Congratulations, by the way, because this was never pushed out to anyone - you've been keen enough to look at older posts. Bless you. Go and buy yourself something nice and pretend it was from me (wrap it up badly, if you want it to feel authentic.)

So, what's this all about. Well, I've been blogging on all manner of topics for many years now, and thought it was about time that I used the channel to talk about what matters to me at work. In short, I'm rising from my seat in the circle, taking a deep breath and saying

"Hello, I'm Tim, and I've been a communicator for more years than I can remember and I need to talk about it".

Thank you for accepting me into the group. I'm going to use this blog to talk about those comms things that could do with a bit of attention.

There are tons of blogs with titles like 'Empowering people through communications' or 'The 10 things a great boss will always say'. I know, I see them when I'm clearly looking for jobs networking on LinkedIn.

So, I've decided to tackle some of the more oblique issues. Over the course of the blog we'll talk about badly made signs, those things about email you thought only wound you up, and eventually you'll all want to either clutch me to your bosom or tell me I'm getting on your tits. Either way, we'll all have got something off our chest.

Thanks again for stopping by, hope you enjoy the rest of this blog, and feel free to share your thoughts if you want - we're all friends here.